The Facts of Life
by Nonair
Summary: Crack oneshot. It isn't unusual to see Allen Walker and Howard Link together. But it is strange for the Inspector to look sick, and for Allen to sparkle like that. Apparently Komui has tried to explain the facts of life to Allen.


It wasn't an unusual sight in the headquarters of the Black Order. Exorcists came and went from Komui's office quite frequently, so it was no surprise to see Allen Walker leaving it. By now, everyone knew that it was Inspector Howard's Link's job to follow the Exorcist Allen Walker, although nobody seemed to know why, so seeing him trailing after Allen wasn't strange either.

What _was_ rather unusual was the greenish shade Link's face had taken on at this particular time. And the sparkles surrounding Allen weren't exactly normal either. Lavi, as somebody cursed with curiosity and with a commitment to record everything of the slightest historical importance, such as a conversation between Supervisor Komui and the Destroyer of Time, just _had_ to know what had happened. For posterity, you understand. It _really_ wasn't because he wanted to know why Two-Spot was looking so queasy.

'-Absolutely depraved! No! I _don't_ want to hear any more about it!' Link was saying, looking as if he was fighting the urge to put his hands over his ears and scream 'la la la la, I can't hear you'.

'You really have been sheltered, haven't you?' Allen was _radiating_ innocence. The kind he'd been oozing when he'd cheated those three guys out of their clothes on the train. _Yup_, Lavi thought, _something's definitely up._

'Yo, moyashi! Two-Spot! What's up?' Lavi slung an arm over Allen's shoulder, smiling widely.

'Please refrain from calling me that,' Link said, attempting to intimidate Lavi with his glare. Didn't work very well coming out of a face that shade of green. Anyway, Lavi'd faced more intimidating glares from Kanda on a nearly-daily basis for years. It kind of desensitized you after a while.

'Nothing much, Lavi. Komui-san just thought it time to…acquaint me with some facts of life,' Allen said, smiling. And sparkling. Timcampy was fighting for airspace near him because of all the sparkles.

'Ah, he gave you the sex-talk,' Lavi said, grinning. 'How was it?'

'Rather unnecessary, but I appreciate Komui-san's concern,' Allen said, his smile not dropping at all, even when Lavi waggled his eyebrows as suggestively as he could.

'Huh?' Lavi asked, pulling away to look at Allen seriously.

'I travelled with shishou for two years. I knew more about sex than Komui did,' Allen said, a little bit of evil creeping into his smile when he saw Link's rather violent twitch.

Lavi noticed it too, and he smiled rather more evilly. 'So, you educated Komui?'

Link twitched again.

'Yes. He seemed rather surprised to know that there were people who have a fetish for full-body latex.' How Allen could say things like that while still sparkling and acting like an innocent schoolboy was completely beyond Lavi.

'Seriously?' Lavi asked, tilting his head. 'Man, people are strange.'

'You don't know the half of it,' Allen said sweetly. 'Shishou once told me about a woman who liked to-'

'Be quiet. Walker, go to your room, you still have paperwork to fill out,' Link said, looking queasier by the second.

'Oh? Looks like somebody else got an education,' Lavi said, sidling over to the sick-looking inspector and nudging his side with an elbow.

Link glared.

'Aw, c'mon Two-Spot, don't be like that,' Lavi said, nudging the inspector harder.

'Link-san seems to be reluctant to discuss sex in any form,' Allen said. The way he used formal speech made what he was saying that much more disturbing, given the inspector's reaction.

'Walker, just shut up and go get the paperwork done,' he growled.

'Fine,' Allen said, smiling a little more normally, much to Link's apparent relief. 'But after we eat, I'm starving. Lavi, could you check on Komui-san. I'd like to know that he is recovering from the shocks he got.'

A/N: This is a oneshot only, there won't be any sequels. Still, reviews are loved! Also-I don't own -Man, which should be fairly obvious considering where this is posted.


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